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Lonely Planet To Release "Shithole" Series of Country Guides
AP-Lonely Planet, known for their study and map guides to countries
all over the world, will be releasing a new series based upon the President's recent trips to countries he deemed "Shitholes".
In order to accommodate the new designation, Lonely Planet will be sure to include these "Shithole countries" in their upcoming
releases for 2018. "We want to make sure we have everything accurate,"
said editor Rod Shanks. "Whatever the President said, we want to be consistent with that. Countries have been picked out, but the names have not yet been released. "Lonely Planet prides itself
on impeccable grace and tact. Once we know exactly what regions and countries are targeted as 'Shitholes', we will be working
fast to make sure they get out there so the public is aware. Tourism can still be huge, even in Shithole countries. Shithole
states such as Vermont, for example, still get tourists." Lonely Planet
promises to provide colorful verbiage and nomenclature for each Shithole country it will research.
New Classic Panasonic Mini-3DO Fails to Sell a Single Unit
During Holiday Launch
NEWARK, NJ--Going for a nostalgic angle this holiday season, Panasonic
has launched a mini-version of their 3DO video game system originally released in 1993. The system was sold for retail $699.00
at the time, which rich kid Aldon Saxon recalls with fondness. "I
remember waking up on Christmas day in 1993, being 8 years old, and unwrapping the 3DO. I had the Super NES, and a Genesis,
but this completed my video game system collection. I was happy. It made up for the fact that my parents did not give me an
ATV for my birthday earlier that year, like I asked." For
fans of the 3DO such as Saxon, there was a buzz around the rumor that Panasonic would be releasing a compact version of their
original production, loaded with 2 of their games. No add-ons or controllers would come with the product, and it would be
sold at a retail of $199.99, which the makers of the 3DO were proud of. "Think about it," said founder Trip Hawkins, "you get to relive your past as the kid on the block who got everything
he wanted growing up, and play the best console around in the 1990's, for a fraction of what originally cost." A wireless controller would be sold separately at $39.99, and an HDMI cable connecting
the console to your TV would also be available separately. The games that come with the mini-console are the classic hits
"Gex" and "Fatty Bear's Birthday Surprise". On the release
date of December 6, 2016, however, no units were sold. Even original console owner Saxon said he "couldn't justify the purchase." "I am waiting for someone else first, I guess, to see how it plays out," said
Saxon. Currently, many eBay users are waiting for the units
to sell out, so they can re-sell the consoles for 3 times the price, as they are doing with the NES Classic, another mini
console featuring 30 classic games. "I waited for 6 hours
for Target to sell out," said eBay user Michael Hymes. "But they're stuck on the shelf. All 6 of them." GameStop is having the same problem. "We can't get them off the shelves fast enough,"
said local owner Shane Delledonne. "It's just like back in 1993. No one wants one. Everyone's waiting for the rich kids to
buy them." For Aldon Saxon, he's just too grown up for
it. "I mean yeah I'd love to play 'Gex' again; but I'm a family man now who travels 360 days of the year and manages accounts
all over the world. I don't have time to sit down with my kids and replicate what I experienced when I was a kid. It's just
not feasible these days." Until then, Panasonic is sure
they will be manufacturing more as demand finally takes place. "We're
just waiting," said Panasonic executive Joshua Tolman. "We're sure this holiday season will want at least...one of these things." So far, Amazon.com has registered 7 complaints of availability, that the price
still has not gone down from a "ludicrous" $199.99 retail price.
Mutual Friends of Married Couple "Deeply Concerned" With Estranged Facebook Relationship
ATLANTA, GA -- Friends of Allie and Steven Casper, married 4 years, have begun to notice an absence of recent posts on the
social media outlet Facebook, and they're reportedly beginning to worry.
"When they were single, they used to post all the time. Allie loved posting cute pictures of the skyline, and sometimes
funny pictures of a messy burger she was eating. And Steve would always post links to crazy news stories he'd run across,"
said friend Sadie Burnside, a Facebook friend of both for the past 8 years. While she hadn't seen either one of them physically
for over 15 years, she said she "kept in touch pretty well" with them over the site.
"I'd always notice wherever they checked in, and made sure to 'Like' an important status, just to let them know I
still cared about them."
Todd Albertson, a Facebook friend of Steve, noticed a change immediately after they were married. "I remember the
'Engagement' status change and I thought, 'Wow, Steve's really grown up.' But now, I barely see anything on his page. Occasionally
they'll both check into a restaurant or a hotel but nothing after that. No pictures, no comments. It's as if they just...don't
exist anymore."
One friend, Taylor Shales, a cousin of Allie's, nearly reported them "Missing" to Facebook admin--but was talked
out of it, when her mother reportedly got a text message from Allie inviting her to dinner one night.
"I thought it was crazy that we'd get a text, directly from Allie. But absolutely nothing on Facebook. Not a word.
No event posting, nothing."
Though friends who have seen Allie and Steve recently in person have noted their public displays of affection still intact
and their cozy demeanor, the friends of Facebook think it's just a "facade."
"Maybe IRL they look happy," said another friend, who had known them for about three months after meeting them
at a wine tasting party, "But here we see what's really going on--they're drifting apart. And they definitely don't seem
to see any friends lately."
Allie and Steve could not be reached for comment, as they had recently left for a two week vacation in Florence, Italy.
Dyslexic Psychic Boasts She Can Perfectly Predict the Past
TOPEKA, KS - A local psychic, Darla Spires, claims she has visions
of the past with crystal clarity and can predict some of the world's worst distasters that have ever happened.
"I see...winter...in 1941...we are attacked by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor," said Spires,
concentrating hard with her eyes shut tightly. She has unfortunately had very little success in attracting customers,
however. But she maintains it is not because of her dyslexia, which only allows her to predict things that have already happened.
"I know it is difficult for people to know and understand time, but if they could only see
that I have seen that we have evolved through time, and allow me to show them these visions, they would benefit greatly!"
she said, looking at her crystal ball with much fervor.
Townspeople, though, are unmoved. "She can't really tell me what's going to happen to me,"
said Arnold Forlin, who two weeks prior to seeing her had injured his hand in a work related accident. "She told me I'd hurt
my hand at work. All I did was show her the bandages, and she thought she'd done me a favor. Could've used her two weeks before
that, but now, not so much."
Still, she pursues what she calls "her calling" and her "gift" should be appreciated. "Tell
me what has happened, and I can see it for you!" she offered.
The other drawback is that she reads Tarot cards backward as well, confusing people. "She
drew the Death card first and said everything would be fine, then two days later I lost my job," said Morna Banks, a former
executive at a local bank. "Then when I came back she drew some card with angels on it and said to beware that something was
going to change. What gives?"
Darla has not given up, nor does she plan to, as she says her profession is very necessary
in this world. "You look up to the stars and you want answers. I can tell you all of them! I have all of them!" she claims.
"Yeah, so do we," Banks had retorted, after we had told her what Spires had said. "Thanks
a lot for nothing."
Spires continues to work most days, but says Mondays are bad because she does
not like working at the end of the week.
Retail Stores To Introduce "Black New Year's" Discount Shopping
MADISON, WI - Popular retail stores have decided to get an even earlier jump
on holiday seasonal shopping by blending resolutions with gift binging. This New Year's, hundreds of outlet stores will be
introducing mega deals, slashing prices all over the place to entice early bird go-getters.
"We thought, why wait until Thanksgiving to give out great deals? Let's start the year right,
and get people thinking about the holidays as early as possible," said retail manager Tret Loder. "I think it's great for
shoppers, and great for the economy. Forget the hangover of New Year's, come to our store and get a great deal."
With retail stores trying to get a jump on discount shopping earlier and earlier, it's no
surprise that some have thought so outside the box, that they have effectively left the entire planet.
"I know the holidays are just over, but it's like that old saying goes...as soon as something
ends, something new begins. So we really want people to have next year's holidays in mind as soon as we can," said Mariella
Thompson, owner of a local retail store that's joined this new revolution. "We may as well be trail blazers. Like K-Mart was."
No telling how many stores will adopt this new approach; but Larry Morder is optimistic
about the future of the idea. "I think it'll catch on like wildfire. I mean, you've got nothing going on usually that day.
So why not shop?"
When asked about the fact that most stores are closed on New Year's, the retail stores have
said that's just better for them. "You can shop with us, and get great deals. Hope to see you there!" said Morder.
Protest Halted As Protestors Debate What They Want and When
They Want It
PORTLAND,
OR – A gathering of protestors stopped marching temporarily to decide what they should protest on an early Friday morning,
sources say. Leaders of the protest, Skylar Danning and Trinity Claira Barnes-Smith were reached for comment.
“We
just want to be sure what we’re protesting before we start, so that it’s a clear message we send,” said
Danning, whose tattooed arm was locked in her life partner’s. The other arm was holding a blank sign. “When we
figure it out, this will have a really powerful message on it,” she indicated the sign, rocking it back and forth in
her grasp.
Spirits
were still high though no decision had been made yet. “Trin made a really excellent vegan casserole that we’re
all enjoying,” said Sparta Jones, a frequent protestor but admitted infrequent bather. Decked out in a tee shirt bemoaning
peace, he still maintains he isn’t sure exactly what the protest will be about today. “Will it be about peace?
Probably. Most things are you know.”
Protestors
munched on quinoa, oats and sautéed beets as they mulled over a list of things to protest for the day. “When you start
‘What do we want?’ you’d better know exactly what that answer is,” said Serrah Glipit, whose long
flowing flower dress, she said, represented nature. “I say, I want to stop corporate greed. So what do we want? Freedom
from corporate greed? When do I want it? I can’t think of a better time than right this moment.”
“We’re
just hoping we get it all together before the man comes out and tries to break us up,” said Trevin Mathis. “I’m
runnin’ out of natural tobacco, and I’m not buying boxed cigarettes. What do I want? Natural tobacco. And I could
wait, because I still have some left. You know?”
The
protestors remarked that they have enough food and bottled water for the day to survive while they flesh out their plan. “Walnut
butter sandwiches, rhubarb crisp, mandrake fritters…we’ve got it all. We just need a slogan now,” said Mylar
Barnett, stroking his long unkempt beard. “Personally I want a world with all natural helium bars. Don’t know
about you but that would be righteous.”
Police
on the scene said they would put on the riot gear when the protestors have made up their mind on what they want to protest.
"Especially if it's freedom against the police," said Officer Glenn Bainesworth.
Some protestors have grown
worried due to the decreasing battery strength of their iPhones. "Mine's got one bar left," said Clarity Garrison. "I'm gonna
have to charge it some time. So I'd say I want more battery life and I want it pretty soon."
As it stands, the protestors
have 3 top slogans of which they will play a game of Cantonese Freeze Chess before deciding which will win and the protest
can begin.
Report: Babies That Don't Have Thousands of Photos Taken of Them
Grow Up To Be "Miserable Pricks"
BALTIMORE, MD - A recent study done at Johns Hopkins University shows that babies
who are not constantly being photographed to appease parents' obsessive-compulsive need for future collages of growing up
will most likely develop into "heartless asswipes" and "miserable pricks" among other dubious connotations. Ergo, according
to the study, those who are negatively affected by photo albums on such social networks as Facebook should just "wake up and
embrace it."
Doctor Grant Ashford, a leading physician dedicated to the study, had the first breakthrough.
"It started with my best friend Aaron's son Michael. Aaron had a really bad camera from his old Nokia cell phone. I kept telling
him to upgrade it but he wouldn't listen to me. Meanwhile, Daina and I have all the latest apps. So he couldn't take too many
pictures of Michael. Meanwhile, our son Jarian probably has about 50,000 photos taken from birth to now, which is about 6
months old. Well, he is a happy little baby. Michael, meanwhile? He doesn't talk to anyone, and he is about 1 year old. His
first birthday party was a real downer. It was then that I realized I was onto something."
Ashford admits some of his facebook friends complained about the fact that they were constantly
being tagged in photos of Jarian, but he maintained these were close friends of his that always read his wall anyway. "I figure
I'd make it easier for them to see our beautiful Jarian grow. And when our new daughter, Licha, is born in a few months, we
can't wait to start taking pictures of her as well."
High school friend Tim Barnes, though, disagrees with this approach. "It's great that Grant's
got some beautiful kids, really. But I have other things I'd rather do on Facebook than look at thousands of pictures that
look exactly like each other, frankly. And really, I don't go on Facebook that often but my email keeps giving me all these
updates that I'm being tagged in photos."
Doctor Ashford has been joined by some other colleagues that make similar claims about how
happy and healthy their babies are. "My I-phone takes great pictures. I don't even need a separate camera," said Doctor Wendi
Gamma, who has 3 children of her own. "My youngest, Symantha, is just the happiest little girl you've ever seen. I think
we have over two million pictures of her. We made virtual flip books! According to my husband Buford, everybody loves them!"
But Dr. Gamma professes she sees a very different scenario when she goes to visit her best
friend Sarah Gellan's house and sees her 3 year old daughter, Iola, "just so sad". And you know how many pictures they have
of her? Less than 20. I asked. I haven't been over there in a while now, in fact. Sarah doesn't really answer the phone a
lot lately. She's probably busy," says Dr. Gamma.
Dr. Ashford goes further in discussing the futures of these photographless children and
states that they will most likely turn into very unfortunate and mean people. "You look around you...you see them all the
time. Whenever I'm in the Inner Harbor, I see a lot of unhappy people and I think...I bet they never really had a lot of pictures
taken of them at the most critical time in their life...when they're babies."
"And look throughout history!" he continues. "Look at the black plague. You think those
people had pictures taken of them? I don't think the technology even came around for that until something like the Renaissance
times. And even then it was probably really limited. Look at Shakespeare. He wrote some of the most depressing stories ever!
'Romeo and Juliet'! Think of those two were photographed more. Would they have killed themselves? We can probably trace this
back to Adam and Eve. Maybe God could've painted them a few times during their baby-toddler phase. Then we wouldn't be where
we are right now in the world. Who knows?"
One thing is for sure, though, according to Dr. Ashford--any second a baby isn't being
photographed, gives them a higher chance of becoming a miserable prick or "insufferable jerk". "It's something we all have
to fear as parents of the future."
Customer Service Rep Just Went There
NEWARK, NJ - On Friday, just before lunch, it was confirmed that Darius
Johnson, a customer service representative at a call center located in downtown Newark, just went there.
"I couldn't believe it," said Human Resources representative, Heather Rossum. "It was like,
we were just joking around, saying how happy we were it was finally Friday, and all of the sudden Darius just went there.
Like, things just got real, real fast."
Allegedly what transpired was the following: Julius Leighton, the second floor IT associate,
was scheduled to make an upgrade to the networks at 5pm on Thursday. According to sources, that upgrade took place at around
5:17pm, long after everyone had gone home for the day. But Darius Johnson, who reports at 7:30am Monday through Friday, had
sent an email to Julius on Friday morning letting him know that his network connection was still faulty. After waiting "hours",
he had not heard back from Leighton.
"And so I guess, we were just saying how things have gotten so much worse lately," said
Michele Brighton, a fellow customer service representative, who recently welcomed her second newborn baby into the world.
"I just came back to work on Monday. And I always had a good rapport with Darius, so I thought he was just venting at first.
I didn't realize that, really, he just went there."
David Howard, the operations manager, was called in at approximately 2:15pm, to investigate
the situation. "We had heard about some network issues that day," he said. But company records reported no other work stations
were affected, apart from Johnson's. "So we recognized there needed to be immediate action. And we felt that we were doing
everything necessary. Why Darius felt he had to go there, well--we really don't have an answer for that now."
Darius was unavailable for comment. But according to Gerard Silikus, an IT senior advisor,
"The things he said were just unnecessary. I think it was unprofessional."
According to an anonymous source, that reportedly works in a cubicle adjacent to Johnson's,
he had gone there before. And not very long ago.
"He sometimes doesn't know his own responsibilites. Like, if you're going to go there, you'd
better understand where exactly you are going and why," said the source. "We all want to go there sometimes. We even do, when
we feel it's appropriate. But if we're going to go there, we understand that it's just about keeping it real. And Darius lost
that perspective on that day. And it's happened before."
Human Resources was immediately brought in to diffuse the situation. But according to Team
Leader Ben Gittinger, it "didn't matter." "We were past being sympathetic. You say to yourself, 'Oh, no, he did not.' And
then you realize, he just did. And then you're left with the consequences. Well, he needs to understand that he's accountable
for that."
"It changed everything about Friday," said co-worker Lance Branister, working in sales.
"I mean, one minute you're thinking, 'TGIF'. Then the next you're thinking, 'FML.' Because he just went there."
The rest of the office was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for Johnson stated: "We
understand that this has affected the entire company. It goes beyond just this office. We're working together to make the
situation right. [Darius] apologizes for his actions and will work with the appropriate parties to make sure something like
this is not repeated. These are economic times when a position is highly regarded by every associate. And every individual
should understand their position in a given company and realize that when you have to go there, you must consider what the
cost is. Actions will be taken to make sure this is not repeated."
No further developments have happened since the incident. It was reported that a few co-workers
got together at a local Chili's establishment to have "a few" after work to celebrate the upcoming weekend. When asked if
they heard about Johnson's actions, they simply responded, "If he's going to Chili's, we won't go there."
Local Bro Dies Due To Dairy Queen Bet
SHAUMBURG, IL - The quiet, peaceful surburb of Schaumburg, Illinois was shattered
when the body of Derrick Baylor was discovered in his bedroom (pictured, center). Allegedly "chillaxin" after accepting a
dare bet involving the fast food ice cream chain Dairy Queen, Derrick Baylor, 22, was laying next to his bed, covered in chocolate
syrup and ice cream, with empty containers of Blizzards and other Dairy Queen items strewn about the room. At first thought
to be a suicide, Derrick's "bros" confirmed that he was just acting on a bet that was laid out during Sunday night's finale
of "Entourage".
"We were all like sad that our favorite show on the planet was ending, brah," said Tyson
Murphy, a friend and fellow member of the Sig Chi Alpha fraternity. "So we had this massive party and shit," he said. "We
musta done like 5 kegstands each, in record time."
Another friend of Baylor's, Bryce Princeton III, also confirmed the story. "We were gonna
watch the Cubs game but I think one of us passed out sometime. Then T got this idea to do a truth or dare but not like that
gay shit that chicks do...so we were like, Truth or Dairy Queen. We were fuckin' laughin for hours, for reals, bro," said
Bryce. "Like a champ, Derrick stands up and pops his collar and he's all, I'll own that shit, bromides. So we're all, Truth...and
he's scared, we could tell, because he knew we were gonna make him tell us about Melissa Gilbert. We knew he fucked her, even
though he was drunk. She's totes ugly as hell. See he was all tryin' to bang Ashley Mason? But she's got a boyfriend and shit.
Todd McKenzie. So Derrick's all scared and he goes, Dairy Queen."
"We roll out to DQ, first hittin up the Bell for some of those flatbread sandwiches," said
Murphy, pausing for a moment to adjust his Livestrong bracelet, "and then we're all...order like $50 of DQ shit and you gotta
eat all of it in 10 minutes, broseph."
According to his friends, Derrick went ahead with the purchase, buying what amounted to
over six quarts of ice cream. "Bro had blizzards, like 3 Dilly Bars, 4 dipped cones, and 2 Buster bars and shit," reported
Murphy. Bryce Princeton III backed up the claim. "Totes," he confirmed.
At approximately 12:15am, the boys headed back to Tyson's house to drink more, but Derrick
complained of stomach pains. "He was holdin' himself and cryin' like a little bitch," said Bryce, who was driving. "I told
him to man up and have a Miller Lite and shut up."
His complaints persisted, so the two dropped him off at his house "like the little whiney
bitch he is" and then drove back to Bryce's house where the two drank until they were no longer conscious. They claimed his
last words before going into his house were, "Fuck, bros. This sucks."
The next day, Derrick's father, Garrett, discovered him. "I was coming back from golfing,"
he said. "I got sunburned so I went into Derrick's room to get some aloe, and see if he had any Ax Spray left. I use it sometimes,"
he confessed. "I saw him laying on the floor, and I was going to haze him a little because he was out so late again. But he
was unresponsive."
He called 911, but efforts to revive him proved ineffective. Derrick was pronounced dead
at the scene, and his time of death was some time around 1am. The cause has yet to be determined, but after all of the ice
cream, Taco Bell, and beer he had consumed, doctors are fairly certain it was overconsumption of any of those products. Friends
and neighbors said Derrick was a "great kid" and "always stood up for the little guy."
"I always saw him with his arms around that little fat kid, Francis, down the street," recalled
his father. "He had him pretty tight, too, so the two must have been good friends. Sometimes Francis would fall down because
Derrick was holding him too tight. I'd always laugh, but Francis would get up quick enough."
"We just don't know what to say, bro," said Tyson, opening a metal can of Miller Light.
"Guess we'll have to drink with someone else, you know?"
A memorial service is scheduled for Wednesday, with a keg party scheduled for Saturday evening,
following the funeral. "He would've wanted it that way," said his father. Ashley Mason wasn't reached for comment, but is
rumored to have been "totally shocked" that Derrick died and "maybe could" attend the funeral service if her boyfriend says
it's OK.
Like OMG He Totally Said YES!!!!! :) :) :)
NEW HAVEN, CT – Reddenburgh High School was rocked
by shocking news when Brandi Colgan reached Kayla Masney on her cell phone at around 3:48pm EST to let her know that Dylan
Miller said “Yes” when she had asked him to accompany her to an upcoming pizza party at Tenelli's Pizza in downtown
New Haven. The event is to take place this Friday at 7:00pm, after cheerleading practice.
“We like, could not believe it,” said Kayla,
both of her hands shaking in front of her chest. “Like, this is DYLAN MILLER! THE? Most popular boy at the Red. It's
like unbelievable,” she said through tears.
Carli Mendoza and Rachel Harwin also were reported
to have been “totally shocked” but “sooo happy” for Brandi because this one time after third period,
Dylan totally looked at her when he was by a drinking fountain with Ricky Vastic and Braiden Schmidt, who were on the football
team. And when he smiled at her, she blushed and couldn't talk for like a million years.
“It's so awesome,” said an acquaintance,
Tyler Madison. “I mean, she's been like talking about him FOREVER. Now it's so on. Like, this pizza place is totally
crunk. I think they have really good lemonade and stuff?”
Brandi has not been reached for comment; but she has
been seen recently “totally hyperventilating” and “going so crazy” she might “totally explode”.
Entire Saints Defense Reveals They Had Grade II MCL Tears In
Seahawks Playoff Game
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA -- The New Orleans Saints have released a report indicating
that the entire defensive unit that played in a 41-36 loss against the Seattle Seahawks in the Wildcard Round at
Qwest Field on Saturday, January 8th, had been playing with a Grade II MCL tear.
"We knew something was wrong," said Defensive Captain and Defensive End Will Smith. "But
unlike some people, we played through it."
Jay Cutler had been pulled from the NFC Championship Game against the Green Bay Packers
for the same injury. But according to Defensive Back Jabari Greer, the Saints D wasn't going down that way.
"Some people just don't know how to play through the pain," said Greer. "Yeah, we're disappointed.
But now we know what really was going on. We were all playing on something that normally you can't play on or even walk around
without crutches."
Defensive Coordinator Gregg Williams admitted he didn't want to give excuses, but said this
was just "too obvious to ignore." "We're not saying we played well," he said. "But when you look at that 67 yard touchdown
run by Marshawn Lynch, and you know the truth, you can feel the pain as those guys were bouncing off of him. They were trying
to tackle him, strip the ball, whatever. But when you're in that kind of agony, what can you really expect?"
Head Coach Sean Payton regrets not pulling some of them. "We didn't know the severity. Obviously
if we knew how bad it really was, maybe we would have done something different."
The Saints had a 17-7 lead early on in the game, but the Seahawks rallied and took a 34-20
lead heading into the 4th quarter. At that time, says defensive back Tracy Porter, something was not right.
"It didn't make sense...how did we let this happen? But then you feel that pain and say,
'Oh yeah. That's why,'", he said. "Look, we're world champions. And you look at your guys and say, hey, we can play through
this. We're not going down like that. But how can the best defense in the league be giving up 20, 30 points to the worst playoff
team ever? Well. I think you know the answer to that. Now."
Linebacker Jonathan Vilma points to the injury as the direct reason why they gave up so
many big plays. "Your knees are good, you give up maybe 5 yards, not 50. People don't even realize that. They thought we played
badly? No. We played outstandingly, but with that tear, big plays are inevitable. If anything, we're warriors."
"These guys play with intensity," said running back Reggie Bush, who had been sidelined
much of the year with his own injuries. "You take away that MCL tear, I'd say you take away at least 10 of those points from
Seattle. Give themm credit, but at the end of the day, you look at the score and it's 36-31 and we win. Now you're talking
something very different, because we won the game instead of lost."
Last year's Super Bowl MVP and current Saints QB Drew Brees concurred. "That's what it means
to be battle tested."
Real Life Harry Potter Does Not Enjoy Fictional Character's Popularity
KEENE, NEW HAMPSHIRE--For Harold Upton Potter, a seventeen year old junior at Keene High School, mistaken identity is a normal
thing; but unfortunately for him, there's no magic spell that can prevent it from happening again and again. Harold, aka "Harry
Potter", has been subjected to the same types of ridicule and inflammatory remarks as the J.K. Rowling hero, but has
had none of the upside. He can't perform magic, and he isn't special. He also is unathletic and the ladies do not find him
attractive.
"Basically, I wish my name wasn't Harry Potter," he confessed, asking repeatedly to be called Harold or Upton.
"I prefer Upton, because I was named that after the great author of 'The Jungle', Upton Sinclair by my dad. I always
looked up to my dad, and it was he that gave me the middle name, and Mom gave me this cursed name to which I have to live
with."
~
Life was never easy for Potter, even before the books had come out. "When the first book came out, I was at a Waldenbooks
and I said: 'Wow, look at that! My name!' Even though I wasn't really called Harry by anyone, it was kind of cool when that
happens. But once it became this huge hit, everything changed. I'm also pretty much Harry, the character's, age. That doesn't
help." Harry had dressed up as Harry Potter before the first movie came out, and according to Potter, things seemed okay.
|
| The handsome Daniel Radcliffe |
"I used to really like the books," he confessed. "But the last one that came out, the Blood Prince or whatever,
I had no interest. I just want to separate myself from Harry Potter the character as much as I can."
He wants to change his name legally, but at the advice of some of his close friends, he hasn't done it because they claim
he still has a "famous name" and it's bad luck to change it. "Seriously I'm this close to not caring,"
he said.
Subjected to teasing, especially his first time dressing up as Harry Potter the character, Harold at first tried getting
into magic.
"I read some books on Wiccan magic," he said. "I read some Anton LeVay, but nothing worked."
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| Harold, dressing up for the first time. |
Harold does wish there was such a thing as Hogwarts. "I think if there were really a Hogwarts, I'd fit in the way that
Harry does in the books. But I don't get to get away from people like the Dursley's. They're all around me." Harold talked
about being good at sports, like Harry is at Quidditch.
"Nope, tried everything. Baseball, basketball, golf, tennis, football, even hockey, nothing worked. I wasn't good
at any of those things," he said.
He claimed a fondness for role-playing games, fantasy and science-fiction, and collecting swords. "I have a pretty
amazing collection; but it's not really doing anthing for me socially, but I like it." He does not collect comic books
or statuettes of any science-fiction or fantasy characters. "I'm not that bad," he claims.
 But is life all bad for Harold Upton Potter? He says he does enjoy some things in life, and unlike the character, his parents
are still living and very loving according to him. He also says he's relieved he doesn't have some kind of evil wizard monster
like Voldemort, or as he instructed us to call him "You-Know-Who", but feels like sometimes "'You-Know-Who'
can represent all the things that you're afraid of, and for me, it's pretty much everything. But I don't have a cool uncle
like Sirius Black who can help me avoid it."
~
Life for Harold goes on, but he admits he can't wait until the books are over and he turns twenty-one, when he believes
all of this will blow over. "Unless J.K. goes all George Lucas on us and goes back to write prequels about Harry's parents;
or, does a J.R.R. and write a book about the history of all those creatures a la 'The Silmalarian', I should be okay."
Until then, however, he must realize that although he shares the name of Harry Potter, he shares none of the glory, fame,
or the adventures of the character.
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